What’s for dinner? This particular night, about a year and a half ago, it was the usual: solving the world’s problems, some poking fun at – or should I say having fun with? – dad, and a bit of hilarity. Oh, and puns. Good, bad, almost, or stealth; puns are typical dinner fare in the Mielke household.
We had just barely heard of blogging. I think we’d seen one. Coming up with clever names is somewhat of a hobby around here; we even won Baskin Robbins gift certificates for naming our church newsletter.
“If dad had a blog, it could be called ‘The Space Between My Ears’ … and the first few entries could be blank!”
You can see where this is going, can’t you?
The Space Between My Peers … can be lengthened or lessened by what one wears.
Parents, how do your children’s clothes affect their ability to connect with their peers? That night, in conversation with my family, what was on my heart are the young people whose manner of dress is clearly outside the contemporary. Do they realize they are saying by their clothing that they are not interested in belonging with their peers? If that is truly how they feel perhaps that is fine, but could they be lonely and not realize they are contributing to their own loneliness?
I have another, related concern. One of my daughters just returned from an overseas mission trip, the dress code for their team was very conservative. Her perception, and that of her team leaders, was that they looked “frumpy” compared to the locals they were ministering to. Did it hinder their message? Maybe.
I’m not saying it’s a virtue to dress fashionably. But it isn’t a sin, either.
“The Space Between My Peers … can be lengthened or lessened by what one wears.”
I wondered what that referred to! That’s fabulous. I’ll definitely remember that. Fits right in with that Polly Bergen advice not to appear to compete and to dress to show that where you are and what you’re doing has importance to you.
You know, I’ve been wondering at the meaning of your blog’s name! Now I know. And I think that’s a great concept that I can’t say I’ve even thought about in those terms.
On the missions clothing, dressing fashionably isn’t a sin thing… You are so right! There’s a balance that must be reached, and it’s not always easy. I was with a ministry for three years, where we went into churches for two weeks at a time to minister. We had strict dress codes for our personal clothes and other clothes we were required to wear for service every night. I always felt that the required clothing was old fashioned (but not frumpy) and way too old for our ages. But time and time again, people (and men especially) would approach our leaders and thank them for the modesty of us girls. In our personal clothing, we were more fashionable, but we still had rules. My first year with the ministry the girls were never allowed to wear jeans at all or pants inside a church building! Our skirts and shorts had to be knee length, and no sleeveless tops, etc. Some would call this legalistic, but looking back, it allowed us to stay above reproach and get our message across without distractions. I don’t believe we were ever looked down upon because of our clothing. (Okay, except for the time I was getting out of my Firebird in a brown jumper and this guy at 7-11 was like, “who are you?!”) Now I will say that this ministry has adapted to changes in what is acceptable. Meaning, they still are modest but they don’t wear brown jumpers anymore, because…for real! I guess I say all of that to say, I didn’t particularly like the dress code all of the time, but I saw that the heart behind it was correct.
On the flip side, I do think that you can be a distraction by wearing “fumpy” clothes, which is what you were saying. And it does happen! It’s such a balance, and I think that’s the key. Finding the balance between not going overboard on either side. And with that…I conclude my forever long comment! (Rebecca, I hope what I wrote isn’t offensive…I certainly don’t mean it that way!)
Oooh–really good thoughts. You make a good point that yes, some teens purposefully create that space by going counterculture. And isn’t that one of the ways that teens differientiate them.selves from their parents? However, I do think that parents have to be careful about going along with the “it’s in style” thing. I am not super-ultra conservative, but I do think that a girl’s skirt should cover her. Um–her pants too, for that matter. It can be hard to find. But I do agree that girls can stick to certain fashions and still fit in
Also–I have been away for tooo long. I love your new blog look.
Jenna – no, what you wrote is not offensive at all. I was a little bit afraid the post would be offensive or controversial, but hopefully it’s just thought-provoking.
It kinda illustrates the difference between license, law, and love really well, though, doesn’t it? I mean, sometimes we have to implement and obey an imperfect law simply because of the limitations of the people involved. Can you imagine what we’d get if the dress code was simply “modest and stylish”?
Jennifer – I agree. Some things should just not be allowed, no matter how “trendy” they may be.
Thanks for the compliment on the blog. It’s still in process. 🙂
Vildy – I’m really glad I told that story. It was fun, but the concept felt a little nebulous to me. That’s why I had never attempted it before.
I have to say that I agree with you that clothes can separate you or bring you closer to your peers. I have noticed before that about every 4-5 years when my clothes/style comes back “in” that people are a lot friendlier to me in general.
As far as restrictions, when I was a teenager my parents had length/width rules. Skirts=no more than at the top of the knee while sitting, Shirts=no less than 2 fingers above cleavage with sleeves that were no less than 3 fingers wide (unless covered by a sweater/jacket), Pants=must be able to put your hand in your pants without pain/sucking in. And of course, all outfits, even ones that followed the rules, were subject to veto.
Looking back I realize how hard it must have been on my parents to help me pick clothes that didn’t look too revealing because as a freshman in high school I was 40-26-39, and it’s hard to find things that fit all over when you’re shaped like that.
I am a minster’s daughter. Growing up, my dad was employed by a legalistic organization that gave us a dress code. Long story short, he loved his church too much to leave, however it put us through heck and back on occasion.
I was not allowed to ever anything but skirts on my bottom half. On top, never anything sleeveless or tight. I was never allowed to wear make-up or jewelry.
Needless to say, this because a great issue between my parents and I. It was very alienating as a child, and especially as a teenager. It actually caused me to rebel quite a bit. I was fine with the idea of modesty, but just wanted to be ‘normal’.
I honestly can say that it drew negative attention to me. Instead of people admiring me for my modesty, most people thought that I was crazy wearing my skirt in the middle of a snow storm. So, while I do agree that modesty is good, I think that going overboard can actually hinder your message.
I will say that if you look hard enough you can find fashionable clothes that do apply to the ‘dress code’. However it seems a lot of people that ahere to these ‘rules’ do end up looking frumpy. I don’t know if it’s that they don’t care, or if it’s the attitude that comes with it, or what.
My life of dresses has made me really have a great dislike towards skirts/dresses. I wear them about every 3 months. Which is a pity, because they are very beauitful. I just can’t get back the stigma they hold for me.
Good topic.
PS: Forgot to mention that I had also always wondered how you had come up with the name for your blog. It’s so unique and creative! I love how you got it! Even if it was at dad’s expense! LOL
I like the new mug picture much better.
I think that there’s a middle ground, where you dress in a way as a teenager that doesn’t draw undue attention to you and yet is modest and sensible. I don’t know what that ground is, but it’s one of those know-it-when-I-see-it sort of things.
I know I’m chiming in a bit late on this, but I just got my internet connection up and running in my new house.
Unfortunately–speaking from experience–many people who deliberately shun style do so with the express intent to create space between themselves/their children and their peers. The segment of subculture I come from bases its “style ban” on a misinterpretation of God’s command to be separate from the world. In the minds of some some, style=worldliness. And also in their minds, isolation from other people is necessary to be separate from the world. So I think (again, speaking from experience) that often young people who live in these settings are indeed lonely, and they know why–but it seems spiritual to them. It did to me.
Now I understand that worldliness and separation are issues of the heart, not shunning culture in and of itself (and style is certainly part of culture), but having a heart that follows after God and rejects evil. Once that’s in place, it will be reflected externally. That’s why I love your blog–you help us figure out how to dress in a way that’s culturally appropriate, yet in a way that also allows us to express our love for God and others in modesty. It’s so refreshing to see that the two aren’t mutually exclusive.
Dressing in a way that reflects our contemporary culture does indeed help us to reach those around us. As one who’s been on both sides of this issue, I can testify that people in my realm of influence are *so* much more open to me now that I look more like them. I’ve always thought it was strange that Christians encourage international missionaries to adopt the dress and customs of the culture (insofar that it’s not sinful) in order to more effectively reach the people of that culture, yet we frown on American missionaries doing the same. Hmmmm…
*I’ve always thought it was strange that Christians encourage international missionaries to adopt the dress and customs of the culture (insofar that it’s not sinful) in order to more effectively reach the people of that culture, yet we frown on American missionaries doing the same. Hmmmm…*
Amen! That is a fabulous point!
Thank you for adding your perspective to this discussion. I have seen the attitude you speak of – young ladies who consider jeans that cover their belly button to be more virtuous than covering it with a shirt.
Thanks for the compliment, that means alot to me!