Glamorous I am not; moreover, my sartorial sense lacks sophistication. Any words I bring forth must be utterly unequal to the praise of my weighty subject. Praise, however, I must try. For no contemporary fashion phenomenon exceeds the gentle elegance of the Muffin Top. Reminiscent of home-baked treats, in both cause and effect, the sightly bulge billows above the waistband of the chic.
Born an Australian colloquialism, progeny of a protean pelvis and hip huggers, Muffin Top’s meteoric rise to celebrity extends to all English-speaking countries. Indeed, except for the woman falling into either deficiency or excess regarding modesty, Muffin Top has swept the globe! Could the 1997 Seinfeld episode entitled “The Muffin Tops” have foreshadowed the birth of our auspicious champion?
As to the glory of our hero’s early years, Muffin Top was crowned “Word of the Year” by Australia’s Maquarie Dictionary in January of 2006; concurrently, The American Dialect Society, in its “Word of the Year” vote, recognized the expression as one of the Most Creative. Only a year prior, literary luminaries William Safire and Hadley Freeman had profiled our protagonist in The New York Times Magazine and The Guardian, respectively. Safire praised Muffin Top for filling a “lexical void” and elucidated the term’s etymology: “As every baker knows, a muffin is a small cake that rises above its metal container. When removed from the pan, its shape is round, with the top hanging over the base of the cake like a small, harmless mushroom cloud.”
And like the mushroom cloud, Muffin Top has the ability to bring about an amiable end to conflict. What but Muffin Top has the courage to war and bring peace in the modern woman’s struggle with freshly-laundered jeans? And what else embodies the wisdom of abandonment, like the bra burning of yesteryear, as well as the justice of impartiality? Indeed, Muffin Top embodies temperance in female modesty: keeping the pants from falling off, all the while revealing delicate, cake-shaped curves.
To what can Muffin Top be compared? The inelegantly-phrased “Love Handles” bears the nearest resemblance, yet Muffin Top clearly surpasses Love Handles by describing not only hip rolls above the waistband but also belly bulges and those – ahem – behind.
Verily Muffin Top transcends other stylish phenomena. We should all be so accessible, so well-rounded, so unrestrained!
A blessing on your head,
Muffin Top, Muffin Top,
to see your midriff spread,
Muffin Top, Muffin Top.
And such ubiquity
the likes we’ll never see
when tailored pants come in style!