The Modest Wedding Guest
Why should modesty be a consideration when attending a wedding? Simply because, while it is quite natural to be the center of our own attention, a wedding guest who wants to be the center of attention at a wedding ought to just have declined the invitation. The wedding, my friends, is about the two people getting married. They are the rightful center of attention.
Here’s where I cease to be dictator. From now on, consider my ideas descriptive, not prescriptive. In other words, these are words with which I hope to paint a picture of modesty, not a list of rules.
The modest wedding guest …
- chooses a color or print, as opposed to black or white (black is okay for evening weddings).
- prefers a softer tint or shade to something intense like red or cobalt blue.
- foregoes the sequins and spangles, as well as anything that you’d wear “clubbing”.
- remembers she’ll be sitting down. Skirts should be long enough to cover thighs when sitting. And when viewed from behind, sitting in a pew, the wearer of a halter dress may appear to be wearing nothing at all!
- doesn’t choose to skip, even if the couple’s religion dictates stricter guidelines (like sleeves).
- and the big, obvious, in-your-face one: please, no cleavage!
Admittedly, depending on the wearer, any of these pictured could appear immodest. The good news is they are all from Nordstrom.com’s page of dresses under $150.
This post is for the Carnival of Modesty, hosted by MamaArcher. 
Here’s my age showing again: Great rules! And most could be used for work attire, also.
Interesting to note… all of these dresses would probably be marked as slightly immodest by the quick reviewers over at Is This Modest, either for length or the amount of the chest that is showing.
I like the last 3 the best, particularly the burgundy one.
I was glad to see that your examples weren’t all pastels, as your advice to choose soft shades had me worried… some of us don’t look good in soft colors! But I could wear that lovely purple.
Sleeveless is also a risky choice for church if you don’t know the church’s own customs.
Thanks Mom! Although the color advice for the office would be slightly different.
Jennifer - I think the black and yellow print is the iffiest of these, for both of those reasons. But even in that one, I think I could sit without showing any thigh. I don’t personally think it’s immodest to show knee. On the amount of chest showing, my guidelines would be: no greater area showing than the area of the face, no part of the breast aka “cleavage” showing, and no part of any undergarment (including camisole) showing.
As the modesty survey demonstrated, we won’t be reaching a consensus anytime soon. But I do think the folks at Is This Modest would much rather see people dressed in these dresses than alot of what they see.
Wende - I was thinking precisely of people who can’t wear pastels when I was picking out the dresses. I’m glad I found a color that works for you.
And I actually saw a fair number of dresses in red and cobalt blue which could be okay. (Why I didn’t really want this to be a set of rules.)
Do you particularly like V necks, or is that just the inescapable style for dresses of this sort?
Inescapable style definitely!
I like a wedding guest to get DRESSED UP so many wear dresses that they could wear to work or just out rather than something a bit more special. The bride and groom have gone to great effort, so their guests should go to some effort too.
I especially like the burgundy dress middle row, right- so graceful and definitely not a work dress tryihng to be an occasion dress.
If you are invited to a ceremony and are unsure what that faith community would consider respectful dress, I recommend the book “A Perfect Stranger”, available from Amazon.
Nicely said, Imogen! I like that idea very much!
Thanks for the suggestion, Duchesse! I’ll check it out.
I have to admit, it’s neat to see that Is This Modest being referred to on such a great blog as Rebecca’s. Thanks for contributing to the modesty carnival, by the way.
I would have to say that Jennifer S goes a little too far. If I were doing Quick Reviews I would probably say:
1. Borderline
2. Slightly Immodest
3. Mostly Modest
4. Modest
5. Borderline
6. Mostly Modest
For me, I look to see how close to the knee the hemline is and where the eye falls in terms of skin. I definitely go with Chrs when it comes to V-necks being a problem– the fact that it draws the eye so far down the chest can cause problems, and when sitting in a pew, a cross view will see things you don’t want shown.
Other than that, good choices.
The burgundy and silver dresses are my favorite. They are both occasion dresses, without being too dressy.
The print dresses may be fine for Sunday or work, but not a wedding.
The solid dresses are nice. Safe. Pick up a few accessories to move from everyday to dressy, and it’s good for the budget, without looking like you’ve just come from the office.
Granted, with the cost of the burgundy and silver dresses under $150, it’s not as large a hit to the pocketbook. (I likey!)
And the winner is … the burgundy one! On all counts, being declared modest by MIn!
My first thought is that they’re all far more modest than the majority of bridal gowns seem to be at the moment…but that’s a whole other issue, isn’t it?
I love the blue one, though, yes, it’s on the casual side, and the purple, though the neckline is definitely too low (it doesn’t look that revealing because it’s narrow, so not that much total skin, but on a real person, it would be).
I figured that - since your first model was wearing hot pink - the color advice was just a suggestion.
A suggestion for the black and yellow - since there was a bit of ‘cleavage’ - would be a detachable triangle of black in the V for work. I wish designers would be more considerate of our needs and provide such cover-ups in the same fabric as the black of the dress. What do you think, MIn?
I love the comment by joy about adding accessories to take an outfit from work to wedding.
And I don’t think sleeveless is appropriate for work or wedding for the over ….. 15? 20?
or is it a weight/look consideration?
Question: Have you ever found a pantsuit that could be worn to a wedding?
I absolutely love that fuschia one (#1), although the color would be horrible on me. Nice cut, and it looks as if it would be swingy and good for dancing. It needs a necklace (or possibly a snap to hold the neck closed)! The gray one (#6) is cut almost exactly as my wedding dress was, although mine was tea-length and a sort of shimmery gold shade (afternoon wedding, right after Christmas).
The burgundy dress (#4) is pretty and appropriate, but I would personally feel conspicuous in that big sash. I don’t like the purple one (#5) so well: that neckline would plunge down to my navel!
I promise to be a very good and of cours modest guest… assuming I get invited! LOL
Sorry to misrepresent you Min. I forgot about the borderline category…
[…] friend Rebecca is preparing for her daughter’s wedding soon and has written a post on being a Modest Wedding Guest. Here is a quote. Why should modesty be a consideration when attending a wedding? Simply […]
I thought the Wedding guest one was interesting especially since she advises against wearing black unless it’s evening. My brides maids wore black during the day and I wanted all my attendants to be dressed to the nines. I even went out and bought some formals for those who could not afford them. I wanted everyone to be able to feel beautiful. I was never worried about being over shadowed. After all no one no matter how dressy they are dressed can never over shadow the bride. My guests were formals (with no cleavage)and all felt like princesses for the day. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. You can read my modesty post at http://strongquiver.blogspot.com/2009/03/modesty-wasnt-my-middle-namenot-even-my.html Emma
Thanks for leaving a comment, emma.
Your wedding sounds like it was a lovely event!
I realize it has become popular for brides to have their bridesmaids wear black and I have no objection to that - other than the fact that black won’t flatter some of the ladies, but that’s true with any color. It is totally at the brides discretion what she wants her bridesmaids to wear. I also have no objection to the mother of the bride wearing black, provided that is what the bride wants her to wear. Otherwise, it could be taken as a rude comment.
How kind of you to provide dresses for your guests!